Bullies have always been present in my childhood (physical abuse) and as an adult (emotional abuse).
I always doubted myself. I tried to gain my abusers’ trust by being super friendly to them. I became a people pleaser, but that backfired. I felt awful and insignificant.
“Fearing people is a dangerous trap.” (Proverbs 29:25a NLT)
Right before I went on disability, I was made to believe that I wasn’t a good pastor, hadn’t received adequate education, and wasn’t well equipped to lead my current sophisticated (corporate-minded) church. Then, I was thrown under the bus.
I believed them.
I felt shame.
I still feel shame. My counsellor says that might be why I haven’t attended my church in months. I think she’s right.
I just can’t.
Ego check
I am not ashamed of being a pastor. I feel terrific about being an Internet Pastor, which I have been evolving into. However, I’ll never introduce myself as Pastor Josué. That creates an instant barrier with the person in front of me. Or, in some circles, it will elevate me to a pedestal.
Does it make sense? What do you think?
I’ll enjoy it while it lasts
Today, I have it all: a cup of Starbucks coffee, my faithful iPad to log my journey, a book to make me think, The Book that gives me wisdom and noise-cancelling earbuds.
Oh, and I have peace in my heart.
Priceless.
